Idk if I’ve said this before but ur 20s are the hardest years of your life. They gotta be. Don’t debate. If you’re forty and reading this don’t tell me about how u wish you could go back. Don’t care. I’m not forty. I’m in my 20s n it sucks.
I have a job that while I’m grateful for it isn’t the least bit fulfilling. I have responsibilities that I never thought I would and to top it all off everyone simply wants you to just deal with everything with a smile. Well … Oh well. I’m not smiling.
I will say some things I have caused and others people have caused for me. Either way I have to deal with it everyday. I can barely vent because then people think I’m being ungrateful or when something good does happen I unfortunately have to deal with the “friend” who is unsupportive.
Trying to discover your purpose through everything is the most difficult part of it all. Everyone has their own agenda and motive for you in their life and it usually comes without consideration of you. I’m really over it.
I simply want to be happy, whatever that means now. I know what it means for me but I’m learning it comes with a high cost. In the past few weeks I have finally stepped into my purpose, I think and I am happy. However, very few seem to be happy for me. I never thought my friends or family would be so negative after learning that I am happy. Another lesson learned.
People who I thought would be forever have disappeared for the simple fact they don’t agree with my happiness. I may not do things the way people want me to but I am the only one who has to sleep with my decisions. I am the only one who has to deal with the consequence.
I’ve decided from this point forward I don’t want to save the world and be there for every moment people feel I should be available for. I no longer have a concern for people who have no concern for me. I don’t want to deal with everyone’s problems and trying to fix them. I have my own to worry about.
I want to be fulfilled by my own standards that align with my purpose, not everyone’s idea. Life isn’t always going to be easy but I am learning that there are things I can do to make it more simple for me to digest and move past. Something as simple as turning my phone off some days to removing people from my life.
I am fully aware it’s time for a change and that change is coming.
All this to say, we all are going through it. Make sure your mind is clear as possible and you only allow yourself to associate with people who support you.
It’s a completely new experience to realize you are in fact alone. I don’t know how to explain it so I’ll just write about how all of this happened and maybe it’ll make some sense.
It all started Easter Sunday when I realized my sister wasn’t here. We always did holidays together since my parents lived so far. Well now she’s w them n I’m where I’m at so it was really different. I cried my poor little eyes out then shook it out n went to church. It was crazy to see everyone w their families all jolly n stuff n I’m just like “oh. Hiiii. God bless” I wanted so badly to be able to stand with my parents that day. It was my first Easter without my family. It was truly surreal.
I know everyone reading this is like “shoulda took ya ass own. Yo fault” and that’s fine. I’ve never been homesick though. I had no clue it was hit like this. No one did. I called my mom, she was upset. My sister was feeling some type of way. My dad didn’t say much but he’s always been kinda emotionally quiet. I had never mentioned the words “I wanna come home” except when I was sick one time. Also, to fly that far for 2 nights n 2 days just don’t make sense. N Easter is a high ticket weekend. I got bills. (Welcome to the struggle of what you need and what you want)
So we got over Easter. Cool. Talked it out w the Parentals. Fake hugged it out. All good. Now. The week before at work had been really annoying. Work is always pretty annoying to me. I work w some of the best and also some of the worst. These women love to throw shade then smile. I only smile at the people I like n everyone is full and aware of such. The week after Easter was stupid at work too. I have to remind myself to not bash the job I prayed so hard to get (learned that in church 😉) I try not to vent about work cus I have a pretty dope job when it boils down to it. I try not to seem ungrateful but I got issues too. But I run into the issue everything just builds up cus I know there are people who would love my opportunity and I’m sitting here like “they disorganized. I don’t get paid enough” sounds snotty so I keep it quiet n just be like “work was stupid but I have a job” 😕
So I was talking to a friend about some stuff and she was telling me how when she goes through stuff she talks to her boyfriend and he either motivates her to resolve the issue or they tag team it together. Man my ass busted out in tears. It hit me. I’m single. Like not talking to or entertaining anyone. I have never NEVER been this single lol well not since like junior year high school. It’s kinda appalling now that I think about it.
So many people tell you that you don’t need people, all you need is God, etc. but God placed people on this earth to be in your life. I don’t have the luxury of coming home anymore and laying on the couch and discussing my day w people. Everything is a phone call now. I miss that human interaction that you would have with the people you care most about. I miss the people I care most about.
No one ever told me about this part of growing up. The part where there is going to be a time you have you and you only to rely on. That there are days you are only going to be able to go to God with your issues because everyone is busy. That you’re going to realize that that little sister you can’t stand really was the best friend you never realized you had. No one tells you that because we all come to the conclusion in a different way.
I say all this to say, never take those you care about for granted. You never know when they won’t be at your beckon call. Always remind yourself you are stronger than your situation but be human enough to admit when your weak. Never feel at fault for having emotions and needing to express them. I thank all of my friends who have been there for me the past few weeks without even knowing what’s going on. I appreciate you more than you’ll ever know.
This is the best way I can make all this make sense. At least to me.
Communicate: Talk about things, the good and bad. Build trusts. Be honest. Be faithful. Be there for one another. Make time for one another. Leave the past to the past, which include ex’s. Know that having arguments are normal. Know that you won’t always be happy. Don’t expect change. Appreciate the flaws. Appreciate each other. Become best friends. Lastly, love each other unconditionally.